West Britland Conservatives are inviting our sub-region to celebrate the tremendous freedoms we have, and especially the Freedom to be British, as highlighted by the Prime Minister de Pfrivolous Johnston. We are grateful that King Edward 1 granted us the Freedom to be English all those centuries ago, and marginal losses of rights to free assembly and free speech in more recent times are but nothing by comparison.
To recognise the significance of these freedoms Andrew Duckhouse (no relation), the Tory leader, has proposed that statues of both ‘Freedom Heroes’ be situated adjacent to the Avenue of the Britons just over the renamed Prince of West Britland Bridge as symbols of the gratitude all right-thinking West Britlanders feel, especially towards the present PM. The statue of King Edward would be 15 British Imperial Feet (15BIF) tall while that of Prime Minister De Pfrivolous Johnston would be 12BIF tall, to avoid any comparisons with a person of regal stature.
Their immortal triumphs and freedoms will live forever, said Mr Duckhouse, and all West Britlanders should rejoice. It will be free for motorists (no pedestrian access) to enter the statue complex, but £5 to exit, a fair cost for a deeply spiritual and patriotic event, he said. Other sites on major roads into West Britland are being considered.
A demand for replicas, singly or paired, should be anticipated. This could spark a new industry – there is clearly scope for the statue pair (in a variety of quality finishes) to be placed in every village in West Britland, he said. The Scottish border is another likely location, though perhaps just on the England side.
There is an unconfirmed rumour that the First Satrap of West Britland may be Dolly Harding, fresh from her success at TraceTest and previous triumphs. The PM refused to confirm the rumour, but said Harding would do a tremendous job but, to be fair, so would Priti De Ville, who is well-liked in the sub-region.
The interim West Britland transport portfolio holder, Ken Scooter MS has received a delegation from contractors and consultants with offices in the sub-region requesting financial assistance to help maintain their cashflow, profitability and shareholder benefits. In return, they have offered to reduce their head count without compensation.
The firms said they believe the best way this could happen would be for the council to give the go-ahead for unnecessary road schemes. “We concede that the New M4 is a complete turkey in transport terms, but its construction would transfer a large chunk of public funds into our private hands. Similar upgrades to the A55 and building new roads for which there is no business case would also help us soak up idle public funds, at the small cost of reducing productivity”.
A spokesperson for the interim government said that our approach is always to give the private sector whatever they want. They just keep lobbying on until they get it anyway. Generally though, we know they can spend money much better than councils which only waste it on care homes, school meals, street-cleaning and other far-lefty causes. It also maintains the downward pressure on wages (except for TOPs of course) if more resources are ‘let go’.
Andrew Duckhouse, the Tory leader, supported the delegation’s objectives. He also called for the council to scrap the reduced speed limits that have been imposed without consultation on the M4 in the Newport area, and through the Brynglas tunnels. He said that “if the speed limit was raised to a minimum of 70mph, the popularity of the tunnels would be fully realised, congestion would return and increase and the accident rate would soar. Then the case for a new route would be unanswerable.”
Retailers of sex toys, who had a bumper year over lockdown, are reporting that sales of vibrators and other objects of pleasurable intent have plummeted in recent weeks. However, sales of condoms are rising firmly, a spokesperson said. Given the new concern about personal health, she continued, we expect previous sales peaks to be surpassed even after the first flush of the freedom rush subsides. With Covid jabs, a body shave and condoms, you’ll be good to go!
Good to hear the smack of firm and foolish government in Cardiff County! Borne along by grandiose fantasies of investment-led growth, their headstrong planning committee has recently granted planning permission for 432 flats without any ‘affordable’ units. There are currently 2000 applications for social housing in Butetown. One might have expected a Labour council to demand that at least a few of the flats be ‘affordable’.
The committee has also approved the construction of a Museum of Military Medicine in a sensitive site (if no one else wants it, Cardiff will have it!). Some doubt its viability, let alone its desirability or appropriateness. But where will the directors be (Linz, Austria? South of France?), and where will the liabilities lie when it all goes pear-shaped? Will the building be convertible to ‘affordable’ homes? What ought our priorities be?
More reaction to the radical constitutional shakeup announced recently…
Political observers had noted that the UK Government employed more staff in Cardiff than the former Welsh Government, often duplicating work. This was widely thought to be unsustainable, and rationalisation became inevitable in the current financial climate.
A business executive said that the former Welsh environmental laws were “a burden on business, and the plastics industry will welcome the opportunity to offer their bags and other packaging at no apparent cost to the consumer again. We tried to tell the WG that future generations don’t consume in the present, and they shouldn’t be permitted to undermine the viability of today’s businesses with irrelevant policies”.
Trade unions were seeking special consideration for Welsh speakers as they would be unsuitable for much other employment apart from in the new West Britland Heritage Interpretative Centres (HICs). One is to be located at St Fagans (part-time), another at the former National Library in Aberystwyth (most of which is to become a new Lidl when the books and manuscripts are taken to the British Library in London or destroyed) and a third in a portakabin outside Rhyl.
An Abolish member, who did not wish to be named, said he’d heard that “the Plaid lot planned to pipe that cymraeg stuff through the water supply. If it gets near my girls, I swear I’ll do time!” Another said, quoting Nigel Farage in his Referendum debate with the then First Minister, Carwyn Jones, “We’d be better off if we made our own laws.” He said “Though the debate was in Cardiff, Nigel didn’t actually mean us making laws in Wales for Wales, of course. Westminster and Whitehall have always done a better job for this part of England since Owain Glyndwr was defeated!”
A former Conservative assembly member commented that “We’ve always treated Cardiff Bay as a toy parliament anyway – useful training for the grown-up stuff at Westminster but unjustifiable in these times of austerity.” A Welsh Labour Party member said that “The West Britland Labour Party will easily be absorbed into the national party as they usually take us for granted. It was all very well for Jeremy to preach about respecting identity and language, but it just caused confusion here. British or English is good enough, and Jeremy’s legacies are being bulldozed by Starmer as quickly as he can. And the Union Jack looks more dignified than a silly mythical creature shown in Italian colours,” he added.
Late News: Next issue will feature a dispatch from Our Man in Cheltenham, Deep Nostril.