Rumours of a top secret research facility in an, as yet, unidentified Welsh valley have reached Gnom. The rumour first arose when a group of elderly billionaires was seen leaving Swansea airport in a fleet of unmarked vehicles with blacked-out windows. It was given added credence by the airlift of a camel in the same direction.
The private owner of a drone has released curious footage of a camel, presumably the same one, being driven through an oval-shaped slit in an upright metal pole, allegedly at the facility. The sequence shows observers with white coats and clipboards taking notes. A reporter then pressed a spokesperson for the billionaires to comment. She was tight-lipped but visibly reddened when the reporter mentioned ‘Matthew 19’.
A statement was later released admitting that the facility was researching camels for ‘trans-dimensional transportation’. They had had early success with a facial whisker being passed through the eye of needle into ‘a new dimension’, the nature of which could not be disclosed for security reasons. Intensive research will continue, she said.
The UK Government has announced that Allegory Stratton, formerly intended to be the Prime Minister’s Official Spokesperson, will head a new government department – the Department of Reliable Government Information (DReGI). “Our motto will be ‘No Other Truth’ (NOT), and we will issue official denials and excuses, quash rumours and provide alternative facts to get the government’s true message out”, Ms Stratton continued. “Anything which is not NOT is to be disregarded by the public as scurrilous mischief-making and likely to undermine law and order – potentially a criminal offence. Anything which is NOT may be considered as completely true in every respect”.
The go-to conspiracy site, www.conspiracycentral.con, has added a new section to their offerings on the flat earth, fake moon landings, Trump wus robbed, alien clones and royal lizards. “Now that UFOs are about to be mainstreamed, we’ll lose all that content”, the editor said. “But we need to keep up with the demands of our readership with more revelations, hunches, manufactured outrages and fantasies. The new section is a novel and, we believe, a unique one – a challenge to all serious researchers in the field. We are inviting readers to contribute conspiracies before the event!
“Too often in the past, Conspiracy Central has relied on creative imaginings post-event. While this has created many alternative and competing hypotheses, they have sometimes undermined the authoritativeness of our site. The usual scapegoats – anti-social elements, anarchists, communists, fascists, long-haired students (males) and other bêtes noires – cannot be blamed for everything, though we do try. We are therefore inviting submissions in the format of ‘blame-first, event-to-be-filled-in-later’. On no account”, he said, “should pre-event conspiracies prompt the commission of events, as they would then be seen as self-fulfilling prophecies, which are beyond our remit. Nor would we wish for complicity to be alleged”.
The Leader of the Welsh Conservatives in the Senedd, Andrew Duckhouse (no relation) has said that West Britland has exactly the right amount of devolution. Describing it as ‘the Goldilocks devolution’, he said what we have is neither too little nor too much, though Westminster will always be the best judge of that.
The head of the Union Strategy and Nudge Group (US&NG or ‘Usang’), Sir Roger Dodge-Smythe, looked around his assembled managers in the conference room at their new headquarters. “Good morning, everyone” he said. “While the PM is very pleased with our last twelve months, we should not bask in the unreliable glow of approval from Number 10 for too long. Yes, the PM has looked like an incompetent chump, a few people have died, but Strimmer has been made to look completely colourless. He may have been holed below the waterline, but eternal vigilance is required. Good work, Dickie, keep it up!” he said to his manager in charge of the Lop-off LOpp section.
Dodge-Smythe continued, “Our task remains to dominate the narrative and to crowd out all other viewpoints. Our friends in the mainstream media, and a warm welcome today to Fred Sparks from the Daily Lickspittle whom I’ve invited to join us, have provided us with reliable and usually front-page platforms. I realise the Sewell report did not receive the glowing encomiums in the media it was designed to elicit, but that was all Whitehall’s clumsiness in the release phase and not a comment on its alleged inadequacies. Over time it will be considered to be part of the newly reconstructed and definitive historical record the government is intent on establishing regardless of its veracity.”
“And a shout-out here for Jacinta and Rodney, co-leads at Slogans Unlimited. Treasury thought that the subtle alteration SU proposed from that lefty slogan ‘freedom and equity’ to ‘freedom and equities’ was a masterstroke! applause All it takes is a nudge, team!” he said. further applause
To be continued…
As promised, Gnom has opened the column for a guest appearance by Deep Nostril, Our Man in Cheltenham.
“Thanks Gnom, and I hope your readers (all five of them!) will be interested. Most will be aware of the tremendous capabilities of the technologies we have here, which are in constant use. The consequence of this is that we generate an extraordinary amount of data of all types. Recently, we have been using some for internal use only. As one can imagine, data collection, processing and analysis can be a very tedious process. Although enhanced salaries are paid, it has not been enough to reduce staff turnover.
So it was decided to sex things up a bit for staff by providing information we secured in the by wash, as it were, of our eternal search for threats to the state. Our surveillance and software tools are not yet able to distinguish males from females in buildings and behind curtains, or clothed, but progress is being made. False positives currently include transsexuals, for example. So results cannot be reliably disaggregated by sex or gender. One test site, Westminster Bridge (during the morning rush hours), illustrates the problem (shown as a percentage of the total, n = 32 754)…
Proportion of people wearing metal or leather devices 6.04%
- including chastity belts and insertables
Proportion of crossdressers 7.63%
- knickers plus
Proportion of metrosexuals 19.23%
We are currently preparing data on adultery rates, using ANPR and census data, by age and area. This latter has also been requested by divorce lawyers (for a fee) to help their future staff planning.
Since the results have been circulated to staff on a confidential basis, both staff retention and recruitment have increased – a great success! You gave me to understand Gnom, that your readers are sophisticated and discreet, so I hope this data won’t find its way into the media, especially the scandal sheets!
The Department of Education and Basic Training (DEBT), soon to take back control of schools in West Britland, has released a revised list of words and concepts that are not be mentioned or discussed in junior schools. The list includes independence, republic, rights, racism, gender fluidity and Wales. These are deemed to add no value to their education and may undermine the social consensus. “We are confident that all parents will welcome this initiative – without the vocabulary, the children won’t even be able to think it!” a spokesperson said.