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Scoop – New Flag Revealed!

Mark Duckbridge, First Minister of Wales, has downplayed suggestions that 51% of Labour supporters might vote for independence parties, notably Plaid Cymru, in the May elections. He pointed out “they aren’t really a majority, and we expect to snooze dynamically back into power”. Meanwhile, a group of IndyLabour supporters of all ages interviewed exclusively by Gnom claimed they were loyal Labour party voters but were planning for a post-independence Labour Party of Wales. “The party will have lost its unionist wing by then,” one said. Another said Labour has been in office too long, is too tired, and can only recycle policies from other parties. “We figure we must vote for independence parties in this election to help roll back the mendacious unionist twaddle and fatuous development proposals being peddled by both the UK and Welsh Governments. Tactical voting will eventually carry the day for the people of Cymru.”

Tory Russell Gorgeous MS has promised to cooperate in spending £2b on infrastructure projects considered by the UK Government to be what the people of Wales want, including more roads. He accepts that the Senedd or councils should not be consulted, because it would just waste time and they might be ungrateful, or worse, suggest better uses for the funds. “It is true that the people of West Britland might say they do not want more roads or prisons, a new oil refinery in the centre of Swansea, and a nuclear testing site in one of valleys, but we know that London always knows best and is more able to take a comprehensive view” he said

Sinophile Prime Minister de Pfrivolous Johnston is determined to make good use of our links with China. The PM said that the prospects for trade with China are excellent. We are watching Hong Kong very carefully and it is quite clear that “there is a lot of merit in Chinese-style democracy”. There is much overlap with what we’re trying to do, both here and abroad.

We saw that Carrie Lam was seriously annoyed by the demonstrations in Hong Kong and that the demonstrators were seriously annoyed by the police. Consequently, we decided that feature needed to go into our new law and order bill. Certainly, permitting only patriots to stand for public office is something we will also look at. There has been much exaggerated twaddle about loss of democracy, but we know that true Brexiteers don’t want to vote, as they showed in the House last year. And Remainers obviously don’t deserve a vote, he said.

The PM then said that the UK wants to work with China, though it poses “great challenges for an open society”. The government is responding by closing off some arcane so-called rights – seriously annoying being one – that few have ever bothered exercising. “We want to create a level playing field in our dealings with China and hope they will be impressed by our legislative moves towards conformance. We’re reducing the representation of Wales and Scotland in Parliament, just as China has done with Hong Kong. And wages will also rise to Chinese levels, except for nurses.” He said it was untrue, a piffle, paffle, puffle of faffsterism, that the treatment of the Uighur people was being considered as a template for Wales. Creating unnecessary pubic alarm was also covered by the Bill, he warned, and the Opposition would not be exempt.

“Hands off my valley!” said Joan d’Rhondda MS, “and all other Welsh valleys too!”, when told of the nuclear test site proposal. Although we have been assured that the devices will be very small – say, enough for police to clear a seriously annoying demonstration or take out a seriously annoying drug den – and although a large valley would not be necessary, we don’t want another Tryweryn of any size, she said. Is there nothing the Welsh Tories wouldn’t do to seek favour with London? she asked. “Anyway, tourists and nationalist pilgrims wouldn’t be able to visit the site for hundreds of years.”

More on the radical constitutional shakeup announced recently…
Progressive elements in Pembrokeshire have been quick to take advantage of the emerging regime in West Britland. A former finance director, Mr I B Dupe, announced the formation of a smart local enterprise council (SMART LEC) to replace the County Council. Members of the Council are expected to resign today. Council tax will still be collected (to pay SMART LEC executives) but no services will be provided.

Mr Dupe also said that they would change the name of the county to Pembrokestan. “We have been impressed by the impact of Russian oligarchs on the London property market, and my fellow landowners and I are looking forward to comfortable retirements in the South of France once the expected in-rush of buyers occurs. We will make sure they feel welcome here, for example, by eliminating speed limits for drivers of APVs and SUVs, on a trial basis, in the county. All organic food grown in the county will be reserved for them too.”

In a surprise move, Mr Dupe announced that the Pembrokeshire Coastal Path and National Park would be closed to the public with immediate effect. “Those walkers come here, pay nothing and contribute nothing to the local economy, even bringing their own food! Yet we know there are many oligarchs, TOPs (The One Percent) and wannabes who will pay plenty for a dacha with a sea view and a private beach”.

He said local business leaders are considering requesting that an autobahn be constructed from Mayfair direct to Pembrokestan via Oxfordshire, the all-farm county to be gated exclusively for TOPs (and staff), and the TRHABdPJ Superbridge, with a spur to the hunting lodges and estates of the West Herefordshire. With entry points only in Mayfair, The Shires, The Lakes and The Dachas, total segregation from the 99% will be achieved, thus ensuring security, privacy, regulation-free and rapid travel for people whose time is extremely valuable. Mr Dupe also noted that when the City Regions (Cardiff, Swansea) were created, nobody argued that they would lead to more democratic governance or more control over Welsh Government expenditure. “That was never the intention. People in Wales are not that interested in democracy,” he claimed. Speaking from Downing Street, Prime Minister de Pfrivolous Johnston said he was sure that “West Britlanders will be very proud to fly their new sub-regional flag with its very cute dragon surmounted by the Union flag. The new dragon will be much more child- and tourist-friendly (see below)”. In addition, the Palace has let it be known that new royal titles based on the two new counties of Mancia and Bristurbia are under consideration. ( pronounced trabypij s’bij in the West Britlandese dialect)

Caption: West Britland’s new dragon (detail from flag)

The online voting app, myVoteChoice, has scored Andrew Duckhouse (no relation) as a ‘weak match’ for Leader of the Conservatives in West Britland and as a ‘very poor match’ as First Minister. The present First Minister, Mark Duckbridge, scored almost as poorly for that post. As demonstrated in the recent ITV Wales Leaders’ debate, the Leader of Plaid Cymru, Adam Galahad, stood head and shoulders above the other candidates and was a ‘very good match’ for the role of First Minister.